It is 2am here and in just a few hours I will be waking to begin my last first day of a semester at ASU as an undergraduate — and I can’t for the life of me get to sleep. It’s one of those nights when my mind refuses to slow down enough for me to slip off into a peaceful dreamland, or any dreamland. One of those nights where my heart can’t settle down long enough for me to enter that state of calm sleepiness.
What has kept me up? It could be the fact that I just finished the book “Kisses from Katie” and I am thinking about what exactly I have and have not done to help those in need, and how I can love better. It could be the fact that I am completely and exhaustively aware that I really am at the end of my college journey. This is it, this is the last semester. It could be the ugly truth that I still have not completed my law school applications that should have been sent off to the respective schools weeks ago. Maybe I can’t find sleep yet because I keep thinking of that one person who seems to refuse to leave my thoughts lately. Perhaps, even still, it is the fact that I know I am completely and utterly undeserving of every single thing God has given me in this life, yet He continues to give. It could be the fact that I have that sickening feeling, you know that one you get when something just doesn’t seem quite right, when life just has that eerie feeling about it? Yeah, that feeling.
Needless to say, I cannot pinpoint exactly what has caused this temporary and ill-timed insomnia tonight. I cannot tame these thoughts and the reaches of my heart tonight. I know one thing for sure, though: I can know in the midst of my restlessness that God is orchestrating everything for my good. He delights in loving me. He delights in me loving Him and loving others in His name. I can know that God is holding my tomorrow, my today, my right now in His righteous hands. I can know that it is a blessing, an honor to be uncomfortable — because that is when people make changes. Right now I just feel uncomfortable. It is my general disposition with current situations — overactive mind, restless heart, tired but unable to sleep, content but troubled. When Father God does finally grant me sleep, I can’t even imagine what changes lie in wait for me when I wake. To say I am excited is an understatement. To say I am nervous is an understatement. To say I am slightly scared but nonetheless wholly trusting in Him, now that sounds with a pure degree of truth.
Goodnight, sleepy world.
Let’s see if I can’t count my blessings until I fall asleep…