There’s comes a time when you realize you aren’t sure what happened to your old habits, old characteristics — and you miss them. The good ones, anyway.
I used to think everyone was inherently good. I used to never tell secrets because I grew up realizing that people are never as trustworthy was you want them to be. I used to want to help people no matter if they were rude to me, nice to me, or seemingly worthless individuals. I used to guard my heart so well that I could never get broken — but that came with a price. I used to say what I thought because I had innocent, naïve, loving thoughts. I used to welcome anyone and everyone as a new friend. I used to go after whatever I loved, whether I was good at it or not. I used to chase joy instead of reputation.
When did I become someone who forgot these things? Someone who lives differently, and loves selectively.
I’ve become vulnerable, but for the wrong reasons and to the wrong people. I forgot how much I know that trusting someone wholeheartedly is a great risk, reserved only for ones I know are worth the risk. I became someone who doesn’t always use words kindly. I have become a person who is no longer all inclusive to others; someone who runs from others as soon as they offend or hurt me. I’ve become someone who chases a “good reputation” and lives in fear of doing anything that might “look bad,” rather than chasing joy and delighting in my freedom.
My advice to myself?
Search for the good in someone until you find it.
Help whenever you see a need.
Use your words kindly.
Chase after joy.
Be bold enough to embrace failure.
Be true to God.
Dream big. And bigger.
Never give up hope.
The truth is, sometimes I just don’t know what kind of person I’m becoming. The person my parents are proud of? The person my friends are entertained by? The person chasing after success? The person afraid of truly going after her dreams? The person who looks good on paper? Or the person doing all she can to become who she wants to be — not who her world and the people in it are trying to make her into?
For now, I’m going to take my own advice and see what happens. After all, the one person you know you can trust is yourself.